"Simone" and "Sam" have been forced to go on the Lam, after some sloppy security work exposed them to their potential "enemies". Fortunately, they've found help through the SBPP.
("Sex Bloggers Protection Program"). Follow their adventures here until its safe for them to resume their prior alter-egos.

Friday, June 24, 2011

On "Straying".

I thought I would take a break from the day to day sexual antics here at the UCTMW World HQ and flashback a bit, inspired by a post a few days back by Sin on the subject of men and their proclivity to “stray”.

Sin’s theory was that men crave “variety”, which may be supported by the old biological imperative to sow those dna particles wide and far.

Of course, Sin’s not the only one talking about this subject. The recent public meltdown of a certain New York Congressman got tongues wagging on the subject “what is it about these guys”.

The New York Times had an article Sunday, linked here, which trots out some experts to speculate on why the male political class tend to get caught with their dicks twisting in the wind. As one “expert” opines, “Most people who get as far as he’s gotten are high testosterone people … Along with that ambition comes a high sex drive.” Another Prof claims that “men, particularly successful men, have an evolutionary history of polygamy.”

Of course, for folks like Mitt Romney, that history is only a generation or so removed.

But, Mick, you ask, isn’t this kind of boring?

Next you’re going to be talking anthropology, and we’re going to look elsewhere for our fun.

Okay, lets get a little more personal.

Let me talk from personal experience.

Back in the day – I’m talking late 60’s up until I discovered Molly  in 1988– Mick was a bit of a Wiener, so to speak. But of course that was before Twitter. I didn’t do my talking by text message. I did it the old fashioned way, one slap and tickle at a time.

When Mistress and I had our own crisis abut my fidelity, which led to my signing the contract that gives title to this blog, I found the need to consult with a psychologist here in River City.

I picked a woman I had dealt with in a professional capacity. Someone who specialized in sexual matters. But a grandmotherly type who I knew who call things straight and not tell me what she thought I wanted to hear.

One of my first “homework assignments” was to prepare a list of all the women I’d had sex with in my adult life.

I figured this would be easy, but as I started writing, I started remembering, and the list got longer. And longer.

It made for an ugly pattern.  While a few were one or two night stands, most were real relationships, extending for months or even years, and overlapping with other relationships.

I traveled more for business in those days. So there were women in Chicago. New York. DC.

You get the picture.

Am I sounding like Rif Dog?  Well there was some of that to it, but I was not nearly as swaggering-ish about it. And that was before anything like Ashley Madison which facilitated off-line hookups.

Man, I had to work to find these “opportunities”. And I worked to keep them alive.

Keep in mind that most of these encounters happened during the time I was involved with or married to my first wife. With the one exception that Molly knows about, I’ve stayed “on the wagon” during my involvement with her, since 1988.

So what explained my proclivity to “stray” in those days?

At the time, I had some bad examples for “heroes” in politics and popular culture. JFK.  James Bond. It was cool to make oneself available to the ladies, wasn’t it?

And my father had modeled some of this behavior. Think Don Draper, but in the insurance business. I’d seen some evidence of his straying when I was a teen.

Of course, I had a rather cocky attitude: If a woman came onto me, who was I to deny them the opportunity to be with the one and only Mick Collins.

I suppose my marital life was a tad dull. Certainly not like with Molly. But is that really an excuse? Couldn’t I have worked harder at bringing some adventure home?  Of course I could have.

When I went over the list with my Psychologist, she rolled her eyes a bit. The phrase “sex addict” came up. But she seemed to back away from that diagnosis. It seemed that while I had a high count, she’d seen a lot worse. And that fact that most of mine were actual relationships discounted that diagnosis.

After some session she focused on the type of relationship I had with my Mother. She was distant, self-absorbed. Not particularly affectionate.  (Think Rose Kennedy here).

Was my need  to seduce other women  fallout from my  desire to find the affection that my Mother supposedly denied me? And practice made perfect. I had become a bit of a seduction machine, apparently sending off signals that made the next conquest all the easier than the one before.

Mingle that with the higher testosterone that may have come with the territory – after all I was apolitical activist, though I never pulled the trigger on running for office myself – and you have a toxic mix.

The good part about my time with the Psychologist is that I had a better idea of what led to this behavior. That more clinical understanding helped me back up and see the harm and anxiety I had caused others – particularly Molly, but my first wife too, and some of the women on that list.

And it also helped me admit what a reckless, inconsiderate asshole I had been.

No one wants to be an asshole, right?

So Sin, at least or me, it was a bit deeper than “variety”.


strivingforpeace said...

Thank you for this insight Mick -- very interesting -- and vulnerable.


beingaisha said...

Very interesting post, Mick - like SFP, I appreciate your willingness to share this with us.



sin said...


I hope you aren't telling me you cheated with a long list of women because your relationship with your mother wasn't warm.

It seems to me you have a bunch of reasons that you strayed, it mostly comes down to the fact that you could. It was available, you had worked out a system for seducing and not getting caught. You were charming and smooth, the great Mick Collins. And it was adventurous, exciting, romantic.

They weren't one nighters as you point out, but real relationships. Some connection. Maybe that's where the shrink saw the relationship with your mom as a factor?

I guess I would ask why you didn't bring that adventure and excitement and romance and connection home to your wife instead of looking for it elsewhere? To me, that's the crux of it.


Donna said...

It's interesting to examine those things that bring us to the now of our lives.

I clearly remember a prevalent mindset that men who were sexually active with many women were akin to Jame Bond and were greatly admired and lauded. There was an acceptance that most if not all men of a certain socioeconomic strata would have affairs. Everything supported that idea, the movies, the music, the political leaders of the day. It set up yet another no-win sexual dynamic for both men and women.

I would hope we might eventually reach a point where sexuality and choice of sexual expression are less divisive and that the imaginary constraints (established by those who don't now and never did live by the rules they choose to inflict on others) would disappear.


Suzanne said...


All his transgressions aside, one could have worse role models than JFK. I admire your openness and honesty here on what has to be a difficult and emotional subject to write about.

In my humble opinion, you do need to spend more time locked up. Just a little less "pampering."



nilla said...

open, just out there and vulnerable.

i must admire a guy who took the time to begin the process of looking at oneself. And i see that it was the therapist who suggested the possibility of lack-of-motherly nurture, not Mick, sin.

You say, Mick, that you did, because you could. It was the accepted "model" of the day. It was almost part of being that "uber successful" person.

And you were a product of Your time.

Historically, through all the ages, powerful and successful men have had strings of women. That doesn't always change because we have VCR's and PDA's, rather than horses and scimitars.

Yet the rogue of old has been 'tamed' his own submission to his beloved.

And that is the most compelling part of the story.


UCTMW Enterprises Management Team said...

I thought I'd put down my scimitar and make a response to your comments, which are always great to get.

And didn't you like James Bond's phallic accessory?

First, Sin. I am sure I would have never come up with that mother issue on my own. That's what the Psychologist said, and I throw it out there for your consideration. Obviously, I've thought about it a lot, and it does have a certain self-exculpatory appeal. But I do take responsibility for my caddish behavior. But having some type of an explanation other than "Mick you are a boorish womanizer", did seem to help me get beyond it. Although maybe the lowering of testosterone levels as one approaches 60 also helped?

I would note that my compulsion was not to just have sex with women. It was more about making them fall for me, love me, if you will. There were never any one night stands that I can think of...

Why wasn't I able to find satisfaction with the first wife for those needs? Well maybe that had something to do with her. Or maybe I had some need to prove that I could get that love from a variety of sources.

In any event, the act of talking it through and examining what the motivations might have been seems to have helped me get beyond that sort of behavior.

The last time I saw her, I mentioned where we are: the contract, the blog, the fact that Mistress has "permission" but I don't. She was amused and approving, saying the key was openness about it all between me and Molly.

So there you are. Have a great weekend, all.


WC said...


I am an assotoligist, not a shrink. If fact I generaly think a lot of the pysco babble is just that.

But for the WC's two cents worth I think men stray for a few reasons:

1) It strokes their ego, that a comley lass thinks they are hot.

2) It is hot because of a new partner, (new sex is HOT,) and the ilict nature of the act.

3) Men are flattered by the attention.

4) Men are horny!

For what its worth that is the WC's opinion

Of coursde as they say about free legal advise....Its worth what you paid for it.

The has two cents,


Donna said...

Hey WC,

Good to hear from you, I thought maybe you were relaxing in The House That Mick Built again. And, btw, we haven't forgotten that you promised Bill and me a visit but didn't send the key! But no hard feelings...which brings me back to the blog.

The one thing that sticks out to me (oops, another slip) from your list is the illicit nature of the act. What a shame that people aren't willing to be open with their partners before they meet up with someone new. Some would be angry and bolt, but I would bet some of the women are feeling just as unfulfilled or unsatisfied as the man and wouldn't mind a bit of Hot new sex, too.

The line in the sand is that looking for hot new sex DOES NOT have to mean looking for a hot new spouse. It isn't a shopping spree. When the old illusions about sexuality are dropped, there can be honest, HOT, fun and fulfilling encounters with others. It can be about sex without being about deep and abiding love.

I have to say that in listening to many friends over the years, it is often the lying, sneaking and the secrets that create the pain that lingers the longest and ends marriages.

And WC, there is a lot of psycho babble out there but there are also some really good psychologists and psychologists. Like any other good professional, you really have to hunt for them.

The surely has strong opinions about sex,

Donna said...

Sorry folks, that was really more of a blog than a comment.

And I meant to say psychologists and psychiatrists.

The being quiet now,

WC said...

Hey Donna,

I agree there are many excelent, carring, profesionals in the business.

I have had the misfortune to meet some of the bad ones in my professional life.

The likes Donna,


Anonymous said...

so much to say..too tired to write much, but here goes:
1) You will all appreciate that Mick is pleased with himself as he is now viewed as the strong, yet sensitive type by all of the girls (yes, you guys). Another attempt at seduction, you decide...
2) for what it's worth, the fact that Mick even went into therapy was a huge against his entire DNA. It changed everything for us (for the better).
3) Sin, Mick got mad because I said that I agreed with are great at straying and then coming up with a trumped up reason why...
but there is some truth to all of it.
4) WC: you are right too and maybe understand women better than most men I have known -- hence -- the seduction has worked on me too...
Mick and WC are both great at the getting women thing..they got this one anyhow

WC said...


This is the best blog out there. And the readers are the best too. Mick and Molly provide the inspiration and the fans do do the rest.

Very , very cool.

Loved your comment Molly,

The is happy he can read UCTMW every morning,

His Honor,