HUH?

"Simone" and "Sam" have been forced to go on the Lam, after some sloppy security work exposed them to their potential "enemies". Fortunately, they've found help through the SBPP.
("Sex Bloggers Protection Program"). Follow their adventures here until its safe for them to resume their prior alter-egos.

Sunday, June 26, 2011

A Subtle Reprimand for Our Staff


UCTMW WORLD ENTERPRISES, LLC


MEMORANDUM

TO: ALL STAFF
FROM: MICK COLLINS, EXECUTIVE EDITOR AND DIRECTOR OF HUMAN RESOURCES

RE: Excessive Sucking Up

Yes, mid-year reviews are coming up. I will be meeting with the CEO to go over your self -appraisals once submitted sometimes early in July.

But I note a disturbing tendency in recent days to an excessive amount of sucking up in the comments section.

“What a wonderful blog you have, Molly and Mick….”

“What a great community you have brought together here, Mick and Molly….”

And on and on.

It makes an old executive editor want to puke.

We certainly appreciate your devotion, but this sort of prattling sycophancy does  not become the crew of hard nosed, jaded, prurient and sometimes even crude “journalists” we’ve tried to assemble here at our burgeoning media empire.

You all sound more like Eddie Haskell than Lou Grant!!!!

Indeed, knowing each of your personal histories as I do, I expect your recent sucking up may be a subtle form of mockery, or, in the alternative, an attempt to curry favor for grander titles or preferable mast head positions. Lord knows you can’t expect cash bonuses at mid year, can you? 

Instead, the CEO would be more inclined to reinvest our profits in items that can expand our audience, like foxy lingerie for future photo “spreads”.

Better spend your time on arranging some type of product placement deal with a high end purveyor of silky nightwear, staff.

While I am at it, I wanted to mention one thing about your status on our “payroll”.

While we loosely refer to you on these pages as our “staff” with titles like “Senior Correspondent”. “Director of Security, International”, “Assotologist” etc., I want to make clear that you are actually independent contractors of UCTMW, LLC, and not “employees”.

We do not manage your day to day activities, requires you to clock in or out, or provide the tools you use to do your “work”. (Although you have gotten a few freebies from EdenFantasies.com.)

The distinction is important for several reasons, but I wanted to emphasize one today:  “Worker’s Compensation”.

We do not provide it!   

We are only required to provide worker’s comp coverage to actual employees.

I mention that because I know that both Bill and M have recently acquired a device for attachment to an Hitachi magic wand amounting to a cock sleeve.  Here is the photo Donna recently provided. M also sent a similar photo to Molly mentioning his plans to put it to good use on the so called “special occasion cock”.

I am not sure whether this device has been approved by the consumer product safety commission, but regardless, if injuries occur, such as a dislocated or desensitized member, WE ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE!

However, we are happy to print a product review when and if you ever figure out how to turn that device off.

Have a productive week, and please get those self-appraisals into the World HQ by July 1st.





22 comments:

beingaisha said...

It's not easy being middle management, is it, Mick? I can totally relate. I think this well-worded memo should go a long way toward bringing your staff into line though.

We're about to enter performance evaluation hell at Where-i-Work - maybe your memo will give me some ideas on how to approach my staff.

Thanks,

aisha

nilla said...

*guffaws*


i....i....*laughs*....


nilla...laughing, coughing, laughing...oh my!

(you are entirely too clever...hella way to get out of actually maintaining your "staff"...mwahahahahahahahaaaaa....)

WC said...

Well,

Donna Bill,

I am speechless,

That man is a tyrant and it is time to put our feet down and get the teamsters involved. Prattling sycophants, ... really?

You will remember that I (THE WC), am the shop steward here at UCTMW, and also the sole "DECIDER" of any disputes between labor and "management."

I told you to join the union last year, but both you Bill chose not to pay the modest Union dues of $19,999.69 to be used at the WC's sole discretion.

Well you can see the consequences of you dithering.

As Benjamin Franklin once said we had better hang together or we we will certainly hang alone.

POWER TO THE PEOPLE my brother and sisters.

Be assured the on receipt of you dues, His Honor Me THE WC, will transfer the case to my COURT, and render judgement regarding Mick Collins naked power grab.

Be assured he will rue the day he attempted to bust this Union and tried to balance the budget on the backs of his hard working employees, while giving the benefit to the richest among us.

Please make your checks payable to "Miguel Hoffa."

The putting his foot down,

HIS HONOR,

THE,

WC

Bill, Head of Security, UCTMW said...

Mick, I see the plutocracy has raised its head above the subtle camouflage it was wrapped in. This memo was anticipated by your head of security and other streams of income have been arranged. I believe the submarine will arrive soon with a load of smokeables to be sold on the alternate market place. Never fear, the needed income to protect the CEO is in place.

Donna said...

Well Mick, I can only assume from your piss-poor attitude that Molly required you to go with her on a bike ride wearing your cock cage AND your Aneros device. Poor baby! na-nee na-nee boo-boo!

We only added those nice comments because you were getting sloppy saccharine, we assumed dementia was setting in, and we all do what we have to do nowadays to keep our jobs and benefits.

Don't think I missed those parts of your post about no mid year cash raises and no Worker's Comp! We shook hands on those issues, but I can see now that your little talk about a shake meaning as much as something in writing was a ruse.

So, you expect us to have sex at least twice a day, try out a new sex toy at least once a month, incorporate a minimum of one new position from the Kama Sutra weekly, as well as keep track of all the XXX-rated thoughts that pop into our minds. Then write it all up for the blog?

I want you to know, Mick Collins, that...it still sounds pretty darn good.

Okay, back to work!
*humming* that old Tennessee Ernie Ford Song, Sixteen Tons What Do You Get.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Joo90ZWrUkU

The Poor, but Sated, Senior Correspondent,
Donna

WC said...

Dear Brother Bill,

I am happy to see that you are hard on the job of protecting our beloved and benevolent CEO despite the naked power grab by a certain Mick Collins.

Can you and Donna meet me in Vail next week (at the house that Mick built) to finalize our plans for the coup that will put the tyrant back where he belongs IN THE MAIL ROOM!

Our beloved and benevolent CEO has assured me that she will fly her lear jet into eagle in order to be present at the meeting.

The

WC

Donna said...

Hey WC,

Just so you know, it isn't the basic dues of $19,999.69 that give us pause, it is the shipping and handling fees added to it. Just like those "As Seen on TV" products, the S&H more than doubles the cost.

And making the checks out to you, personally? We try to trust you, WC. We do! It is the bank you told us to use, The WC Screws the Rules Bank & Trust. We just aren't feeling the trust part of that.

The Between a Rock and a Hard Place,
Donna

beingaisha said...

Dear Donna,

I LOVE that song - the sixteen tons one. Thanks.

laughing...

aisha

P.S. I'm getting the feeling the WC is out on a limb by himself, I just hope he doesn't start sawing...

Donna said...

@ Aisha,

No, perish the thought! We would never leave WC out on a limb!

We might strip him down, tie him up, gag him, apply a bit of lube and...NO! I must remember that he is the property of the CEO and, as much as is possible for a sexy broad like me, I will behave.

Donna

Anonymous said...

Team,
you all (including Mick) have the situation quite wrong. Sucking up, constant compliments, trying to get me into bed with you...all of that WORKS. In fact, I am in such need of positive reinforcement that there is NO such thing as too much. Rest assured that Mick is acting as a free agent.
love
Molly

sin said...

Dear UCTMW workers, brothers and sisters,

I see that Mick is rattling his sabre, stirring up the masses, and perhaps trying to create some controversy and angry editorials like I have over at my place. He observes correctly that stats go way up when that happens.

Interesting to see a judge leading the labor movement in this case. And poor Donna, it's like working in the coal mines isn't it?

I know that WC will be looking for this song when he has the chance, so I have taken the liberty of providing it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kYiKdJoSsb8&feature=related

Power to the poeople!

The Amused Competition,
Sin

Donna said...

Oh Beloved Mistress, so fair, so beautiful, so sexy. Please allow us, your humble minions, to offer our gratitude for sharing with us accounts of Mick sucking your beautiful pussy, tonguing, teasing your voluptuous breasts, and riding you like a wild stallion.

Photographs of your nude reclining body draped artistically over the sheets rush blood straight to Bill's dick...and I am honored to be the grateful beneficiary.

May you have orgasms and marzipan every day of your life.

Donna
Was that too over the top, Mol?

Anonymous said...

Your "fiend" Sin suggested that I horn in on this blog for a change, so I thought I would stop by.

I must say I have not seen or herd of such a pathetic bunch of old farts in my life. Why don't you leave having real and meaningful sex to folks under 40, with he stamina and energy to do it the right way, hopefully monogamously and with the purpose of reproduction. Wh9ich is what sex is for, after all, not humiliation and degradation.

If I were you all I would think more about long term care insurance than joining a sex bloggers union.

And what real AMericans need unions after all!

Anonymous

Donna said...

I would like to address just a few of your issues, Anonymous. Clearly you are chock full of issues and it would take a lifetime of counseling to address them all, but perhaps I can touch base with a few you have expressed here.

First of all, the word herd refers to a group of animals, which may well apply to those of us working with UCTMW, but I think perhaps you meant to use the word heard. When my children were in first grade I helped them remember the difference by pointing out the word ear embedded within the word heard. I would hope that might help you remember the difference even though I do understand that may be a trifle beyond your cognitive level.

Additionally, a clearer way to express "not seen or herd(sic)" would be to make use of the neither/nor combination, as in "I must say I have neither seen nor heard" You see now, doesn't that make you sound as though your IQ has more than one digit? Oops, my error, I didn't mean to make you feel humiliated or degraded by your IQ score.

We all have things to overcome in this lifetime, Anonymous. Sadly it appears that your challenge is to overcome ignorance and it doesn't appear that you are doing so well with that! Not to worry, there is always hope.

Speaking of hope, one of the greatest hopes for the future of this grand and wonderful nation is that you and yours not reproduce. I would share with you that condoms are inexpensive, perhaps even free at your local Planned Parenthood Office, if those you and yours elected to office haven't shut it down. An even better alternative would be a vasectomy since they are infinitely more reliable and cheaper in the long run.

From the level of ignorance displayed here, I would like to suggest that you head over to your local library (you know, the place with books) and ask the nice librarian to find some books for you in the children's section on the history of unions. There may be an educated adult there who could help you pronounce the words having more than two syllables and remind you not to move your lips while reading. Of course, you may be out of luck if those you and yours elected to office have cut all the funding for libraries.

On the sex issue I can only say that if you were getting any, other than from your own hand, this wouldn't be such an issue for you. Perhaps regular showers, using both shampoo and soap, a good cleaning of the teeth by a dental professional and getting caught up on your shots at the Public Health Clinic (if they haven't been shut down yet) would assist you on the road to sexual fulfillment.

Wishing you good luck with keeping that teeny, tiny brain and probably even smaller dick in action,

Donna

UCTMW Enterprises Management Team said...

Well said Donna.... now that's the way to treat a person who tries to make anonymous snide remarks, rather than using an honest to goodness secret identity like the rest of us!!

Mick

UCTMW Enterprises Management Team said...

Team,
I see that Mick has successfully morphed our sex blog into one about left-wing politics and ranting behavior...it always comes back to this, huh Mick???
your loving wife and mistress
Molly

Donna said...

That's right, Mick! It's not that difficult to make up a pseudonym and if a person can't be bothered to do that, then they get what they get.

Molly, you aren't insinuating that I was ranting, are you? I was simply pointing out a few things in my usual sweet and subtle way.

The ever gentle and laid back (in more ways than one),
Donna

WC said...

OM FUCKING GOD,

You lunatics are too too funny.

And Anonymous, your anti Union stance is bad for your continued health, well being and kneecaps.

My boys will find you.

HIS HONOR

THE COURT

JUDGE MIGUEL HOFFA

nilla said...

oh anon....seriously....you think over 40 sex isn't fun?

you poor, sad, misinformed little thing.

nilla,

laughing...

Suzanne said...

I'm with Molly. After sex...being fawned over, receiving compliments, flirted with, seduced, etc. all come in a close second. Sucking up is great...as long as I'm the suckee and not the sucker.

And WC....as the steward, it's time you step up to the plate!

The left-of-center, nearly an old fart, and interested in long-term care as long as it includes some form of sexual relations,

Suzanne

Bill, Head of Security UCTMW said...

If she is worried about the over forty sex, wait until it's the over fifty sex. I've found a whole new world of sexsations now that I'm over fifty-five. and as for leaving it to the under forty crowd, Hah, old age and experience will win every time

beingaisha said...

Nice job, Mick. Controversy generated, pot stirred, stats up.

laughing...

aisha