UCTMW WORLD ENTERPRISES, LLC
TO: ALL STAFF
FROM: MICK COLLINS, EXECUTIVE EDITOR AND DIRECTOR OF HUMAN RESOURCES
RE: Excessive Sucking Up
Yes, mid-year reviews are coming up. I will be meeting with the CEO to go over your self -appraisals once submitted sometimes early in July.
But I note a disturbing tendency in recent days to an excessive amount of sucking up in the comments section.
“What a wonderful blog you have, Molly and Mick….”
“What a great community you have brought together here, Mick and Molly….”
And on and on.
It makes an old executive editor want to puke.
We certainly appreciate your devotion, but this sort of prattling sycophancy does not become the crew of hard nosed, jaded, prurient and sometimes even crude “journalists” we’ve tried to assemble here at our burgeoning media empire.
You all sound more like Eddie Haskell than Lou Grant!!!!
Indeed, knowing each of your personal histories as I do, I expect your recent sucking up may be a subtle form of mockery, or, in the alternative, an attempt to curry favor for grander titles or preferable mast head positions. Lord knows you can’t expect cash bonuses at mid year, can you?
Instead, the CEO would be more inclined to reinvest our profits in items that can expand our audience, like foxy lingerie for future photo “spreads”.
Better spend your time on arranging some type of product placement deal with a high end purveyor of silky nightwear, staff.
While I am at it, I wanted to mention one thing about your status on our “payroll”.
While we loosely refer to you on these pages as our “staff” with titles like “Senior Correspondent”. “Director of Security, International”, “Assotologist” etc., I want to make clear that you are actually independent contractors of UCTMW, LLC, and not “employees”.
We do not manage your day to day activities, requires you to clock in or out, or provide the tools you use to do your “work”. (Although you have gotten a few freebies from EdenFantasies.com.)
The distinction is important for several reasons, but I wanted to emphasize one today: “Worker’s Compensation”.
We do not provide it!
We are only required to provide worker’s comp coverage to actual employees.
I mention that because I know that both Bill and M have recently acquired a device for attachment to an Hitachi magic wand amounting to a cock sleeve. Here is the photo Donna recently provided. M also sent a similar photo to Molly mentioning his plans to put it to good use on the so called “special occasion cock”.
I am not sure whether this device has been approved by the consumer product safety commission, but regardless, if injuries occur, such as a dislocated or desensitized member, WE ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE!
However, we are happy to print a product review when and if you ever figure out how to turn that device off.
Have a productive week, and please get those self-appraisals into the World HQ by July 1st.