Judge Miguel Meets the Press

“I appreciate you joining us here today on such short notice.

As many of you have heard, my opponent in this year’s judicial race recently distributed a collection of emails and photos which she claimed had been collected from my government issued  cell phone, and  the computer used in my chambers.

Initially, and as a result of my failure to completely examine the “tawdry e-mail dump” as some have described it, I denied any responsibility for the contents of those messages, suggesting that somehow our systems here at the court house had been hacked or that I was the victim of some type of cyber attack or prank by my political opponents or maybe the godless Chinese.

But as I reflected on the materials that members of the press gave me, and the comments made in the media to some of the recipients of those emails, I must admit, to my embarrassment, that yes, I was their author and source.

Over the last few years, I have been in contact via the internet and email with a number of women. I saw those contacts as a way for me to better understand the world and values of so many of the defendants who appear before me in Court, accused of various sordid crimes, or  involved in civil disputes that involve communications over the internet, and claims of cyber harassment, copyright infringement, or defamation.

Having grown up in a world where the means of communication were by the written word or telephone,  it made sense to me to do some interactive research in order to better comprehend how these new technologies impacted the behavior and lives of the individuals and entities that come before this Court on a regular basis.

I simply wanted to be a better and more compassionate Judge of those who came before me seeking justice.

To the extent that my intentions were confused, then I apologize to the persons with whom I communicated. And I certainly regret any embarrassment that may have inadvertently been imposed on my devoted family, or this Court.

Now I would be happy to take some of your questions:

Q. Judge, some of your emails and other postings use the title “WC” or “Western Correspondent”. Have you been earning extra money not disclosed on your annual ethics disclosures?”

A. The answer is “No.”. My role as a writer for a certain website was purely hypothetical. And while it may appear that I complained from time to time that my paycheck had not arrived, or that I had not been reimbursed for certain expenses, or that the media empire in question had failed to install the hot tub promised to me, rest assured that no money or items of value actually changed hands.

Q. One of the emails references a “sentence” you imposed involving the use of clothespins on a woman’s nipples while she masturbated. I have two questions, first, was the sentence actually imposed? And second, did it have the effect that you had hoped?

A. First, let me say that I don’t recall that specific sentence. But if it was imposed, it was not part of my regular docket here in court, but was only an experiment that might have been used in a real case only if approved by the Governor’s sentencing commission. As for the effect, I suppose you would have to ask the woman who agreed to participate in that experiment.

Q. In various emails and postings an acronym is used with the letters “SOC”. Can you tell us what that is?

A. Ummmmm…. As you know from examining the emails, much of the material appears to have been written by other individuals. You would have to ask them the meaning of that term.

Q. What is “UCTMW” and who are Molly and Mick Collins?

A. To the best of my understanding, UCTMW is simply a website or blog that posts fictional accounts about the lives of two people using those names. I have never met those individuals, and therefore cannot confirm or deny that they actually exist.

Q. Have you had phone sex with this woman, Molly Collins?

A. I don’t know what you mean by that term.  Have I talked to her on the phone?…. Yes. I have talked to a person using that name.  Do I know what she was actually doing on the other end of the line?  No. Next question…. Yes, you in the blue dress…

Q. Some of the photos attached to your text messages appear to be of a male sexual organ in various states of ‘anger’…. Can you verify for us that the penis depicted is yours?

A. Well, let me just say that I cannot with certitude deny that those photos are not of my body. But as you know photos, like penises, can be manipulated and altered. In fact, that was one of the reasons I set forth on this research project, because I had heard from various witnesses that photos used as evidence in my courtroom had somehow been altered or ‘photoshopped’ as some call it…. I hope that answers your question, young lady.

Q. It doesn’t actually, Your honor…. Would it be possible to arrange for an inspection of the ‘real deal’ in order to put to rest the allegation that you’ve been emailing photos of your penis from your chambers to this Molly Collins?

A. Why don’t you send me an email, and we will see if suitable arrangements can be made….. If you talk to my Bailiff he can give you my new private email address. 

Well, ladies and gentlemen, I hope than answers your questions. I intend to go back to work now…. Making sure that justice is done… certainly a wiser man as a result of this experience.

from this experience.