"Simone" and "Sam" have been forced to go on the Lam, after some sloppy security work exposed them to their potential "enemies". Fortunately, they've found help through the SBPP.
("Sex Bloggers Protection Program"). Follow their adventures here until its safe for them to resume their prior alter-egos.

Friday, March 4, 2011

Employee Recognition Day at UCTMW Enterrpises, LLC


FROM: Mick Collins, Executive Editor

To: All Staff

Re: Employee Recognition Day

On behalf of our CEO, who is languishing in bed this morning, after a busy and demanding 24 hours or so (we will get to that later), I want to extend our thanks and appreciation for your efforts on behalf of UCTMW Enterprises in these last few months.

We have recently hit our 500th blog entry, and we could not have done it without you.

With your help, we have moved in little more than a year from a tiny internet start-up that was little more than a vanity publication with roots in sleepy little River City, to a media empire read world wide (by all of 700 some readers daily) with branch offices in the Mountain West and the hills of North Carolina.

We could not have gotten there alone….I suspect many of our readers would have long since moved on after repetitive stories of oral worship and cock cagings, but for the pithy and clever comments of our staff, and your well researched tutorials on matters such as ass fucking.

Now I am sure some of you might be asking “where’s the cash, Mick?” “What’s in it for us?”

But the CEO has taught me that what really matters to employees, what really gets them up and moving every day to put their nose to the corporate grindstone, is that sense of “fulfillment” and “recognition” for what they contribute.

So …. Drum roll please…. We are unveiling today (glance to the right) our first ever UCTMW masthead …. Identifying each of you as members of our management team.
Hopefully we can expand on that with little bios and avatars…. If you write and create them, of course. Don’t expect old Mick to do all the heavy lifting here!

And WC, you may ask yourself…. “Why am I now listed as part of “management”…. I don’t even have a lowly intern to go fetch me pizza and flash her thong at me….”

Well, as we’ve learned over the years…. If you are a “manager”, you can’t join or form a union, so kiss your pals at the International Brotherhood of Teamsters good bye, and forget about collecting overtime.

Now I know some of you also may be asking “after all our hard work, all we get is a listing on some dumb corporate masthead.”

Well, I know, that may not seem quite enough. After we sharpened our pencils and took a look at cash flow yesterday, your CEO, in her benevolence, agreed to the following incentive package to keep you coming back for more, and to ignore the siren songs of folks like Aisha, who has been encouraging Donna to break away and start her won blog:

• We won’t ask you to take yet another pay cut for at lest the next 6 months.
• We will not hike the percentage you pay for our generous health care package for the next year, though co-pays will now be $50 for each doctor visit.
• We will keep the UCTMW pension plan in place, rather than convert it to a worthless 401(k), though the retirement age will be increased to 75.
• This year mandatory no-pay furloughs will be limited to 1 month (of course we get to pick the month).

Finally, we have something that we know will thrill you and keep you as our loyal and happy employees. Each of you will be granted stock options in UCTMW Enterprises, LLC. Under this generous plan, if the stock price rises by 40% or more each year, you will share in the enormous profits. Of course, there is a small charge for enrollment in the plan. Our accountants will get the paperwork to you in the next few days. We accept Visa or Mastercard.

I wish our CEO had the time to send her personal good wishes to you this morning. But…. Well…. she has had quite a day. There was early morning wake up sex with the assistance of her Executive Editor yesterday morning. I would say with the 2 “prelim” orgasms, and maybe two more as she allowed me to fuck her, well …. That was a nice start.

Then her Slave was required to don his cage, which she locked up tightly.

As I was eating my breakfast, she was off on a nice long morning bike ride. And once she had showered, there was that morning “Editorial conference”, with our WC.

She checked in with me on the way to work.

“How many Mistress?”

“I kind of lost track, Slave…. Maybe 5 or so….”

Yow. A combination of the power tool and M’s seductive voice can be quite potent.

“He was working on a story about a trip to some kinky sex resort in Jamaica….”

I can’t wait until we get the expense account receipts for the research junket M takes for that story.

When we got home after a family dinner celebrating one of the teen’s birthday’s, both of us were dragging. But Mistress made sure she received ample worship in exchange for unlocking that cage.

Then, at around 5 am this morning, I felt her cuddling up close to me. Her hand reached around, and began to toy and tease with my cock, waking me from my slumber.

“Uhhhh…. What’s up Mistress?”

“I’m just making sure my cock is OK, Slave…I like to handle it this way… to remind myself that it’s all mine.”

“Of course it is, Mistress.”

Well you can imagine where this led. Soon I was suckling and squeezing some nipples, and then a finger was exploring her moist and fragrant folds. A

fter she came that way, I was begging for permission to fuck her. And, lucky Slave, she was amenable.

Having been sated once again, Mistress rolled over…. Intent on a little more rest.

“I’m looking forward to the blog this morning, Slave. You have a lot to write about.”

So true.


beingaisha said...

Omigosh - I'm impressed with Employee Recognition Day - your staff must be um, thrilled? Your generosity is under - o, i mean, over-whelming!

(Donna -you deserve better than this...)


Donna said...

Dear Mick,

The masthead looks lovely, my sincere thanks for posting our names on this illustrious literary blog.

As to the rest of your Employee Appreciation thoughts, I am reminded of a holiday from my youth.

I had high hopes for a particular gift. It wasn't at all expensive or hard to find, but it was something special to me. Sadly for the soon to be departed parental unit, I was presented with socks and underwear and told to grow up.

Almost unbearable sadness in that story, isn't there? But I found a way to work through the angst, which explains how I came to meet my beloved Bill so many years ago in a place we lovingly refer to as The Juvie Detention Center.

I hope to find a way to work through this angst, too, but we'll see what Bill has to say after he has his morning meds.

You know Mick, I didn't ask for much...a cake, some blood red Hawaiian punch with a bit of melted orange sherbet bobbing across the surface, maybe a chocolate bar. But no, you couldn't see your way clear to do that. Instead, I am gifted with multisyllabic meaningless words, signifying nothing.

The Senior Southern Correspondent, also lovingly known to the Native Peoples of these mountains as She Who Hides Bodies So Damn Well,

Anonymous said...

Your CEO (me) is at home because the empire has a sick child. As such, I am able to observe other workplace behavior-- Specifically Ellen's. Guess what -- today is employee appreciation for The Ellen Team too. She has voted herself employee of the month -- so while we may endure some hardships, understand that we would never deem to believe our leadership to be superior to our workforce. Thanks to all of you for your contributions -- especially the WC and specifically yesterday.

WC said...

My good friend and fellow employee Donna,

As I am in the process of getting my hot tub, which is medicaly neccessary, and fixing the roof on my modest 6000 square foot ski in, ski out, bunglow, in Vail I am not realy in a position to ask for much for myself on employee apreciation day.

However, you know how efective I am at lobbing Mick Collins for employee benifits. Therefore, I shall go to bat for you. I will get him on the phone today and yo will recieve your due!

The going to bat for Donna,


Donna said...

Dear WC,

Too little, too late.

Should you need us, you know where to find Bill and me...right under the bus where you threw us yesterday after bringing the Goddess/CEO to her 5th, 6th, 7th, 8th, and 9th cums for the day, all before lunch (And no, I'm not jealous, dammit!), thus securing your desires and leaving us up the creek without a paddle! (Well, we have paddles and whips and floggers, too, I am just making a point here.)

I would say for you to take that bat in your note and put it where the sun don't shine, but since it seems you take pleasure in that sort of thing (not that I don't love that sort of thing too, but again, making a point here), just knock yourself out, literally.

The Deeply Disappointed Senior Correspondent,

WC said...

My good friend and fellow emplouee Donna,

If mick Collins can not be pursuaded to give you something for all the great work you have been doing then I shall invite you and Bill to my modest little house in Vail for a moth of rest and relaxation, at what I call (the house that Mick built.)

As I recall he was a little irritated when I bought the house, paid in full, with a UCTMW check. My god you should have heard all the threats the man was making toward the poor humble, thrifty WC. All kind af civil or criminal proceeding were threatened. Thank god our benovelent CEO steped in and was able to sooth his nerves and calm him down. I think I know how she did it but did not inquire any further, as I and my friends and family have greatly enjoyed the use of the modest little hose on the hill at Vail. Nothing like a little skiing or mountain biking to relax after all the hard work I do for UCTMW.

And FYI just because Mick calls us managers does not make it so. Much litigation has insued after stunts like that. Our lawyer at the teamsters or all ove it as we speak. Sufice to say a great number of contitions must be present for us to actually be managers exempt for the union, as Mick Cillins is well aware. Not the least of which is actual managerial authority, which with that man around you and I both know we will never have!

The if Mick Collins wont take care of Donna and Bill the the WC will,


WC said...

Oh, and by the way Donna and Bill,

Don't tell Mick but while you and Bill are in Vail I will drive up and we can discuss ways to get rid of that tyrant, outside of any prying eyes or ears.

Oh, and BTW there are some great restaurants in Vail and they all that the trusty UCTMW credit card!

The glead to help out my very dear friends Donna and Bill,


And with Bill and his Knifes, and me with my shotgun we will be well protected I Mick sends any of his henchmen to disrupt our meetings!

Anonymous said...

Dearest Donna, Bill and WC,
Mick is really a halfway decent guy. He has taken good care of me for most of my adult life (yea, that's true)...I will continue to enforce the importance of giving you three -- our most valuable ASSets what you most deserve and desire.

nilla said...


you three crack me up. totally. completely. hysterical.


non union but good at firestarting....

WC said...

Dear beloved CEO and my very close friend Mick,

As you know I remain your loyal and devoted emploiyee, not manager. I would nver presume to be capable of exercising any type of control over this vast media empire or any of its employee's. I very respectfully decline your promotion to management, and the humble and thrifty WC certanly is not worthy of being on UCTMW's mast head, with the corporate motto "fair and ballanced". I am flatterd by the offer but I respectfully decline.

I remain your devoted employee,


ps. Donna I suggest you and Bill do the same

UCTMW Enterprises Management Team said...

It's really quite amazing what a few choice words can provoke here on the pages of UCTMW.

Miguel, despite your denials, you are clearly management material, I mean with that company paid ski chalet, you really should be working at the VP level of Goldman, Sachs.

And Donna, well, I'm glad someone is clocking Mistress's pre-noon O count. Maybe we can put a meter on her so we all don't lose track....Mick

WC said...

Very funny Mick!

However I am recalling some of the tirade that followed my purchase of the little bungalow on the hill at Vail. I recall you shouting that I had no authority actual or apparent or any other kind of authority to negotiate a check in the amount of $7,789,652.99 to purchase a house on the slopes of f'''ing Vail. I recall that you said you were going to refer the matter to the Eagle County district attorneys office as it amounted to embezzlement, and how your would sue me to tears in the eagle county district court.

Of course what Mick didn't know was the DA in Eagle County was my best friend in law school and a good old boy and the the Judge there was my second best friend was the district court judge there. Kind of like Mississippi we stick together out here in the west. Our beloved CEO actually saved Mick a bundle in legal fees as my good friend the DA would have declined to prosecute and my friend the Judge would have dismissed his civil complaint under CRCP Rule 62(14)(III0(3)!a) which states in pertinent part "dismissed... because he is my friend from Colorado and you are not...". This section has been upheld many time by our supreme court, much to the consternation of, Texans in particular but also uppity easterners.

Anyway our beloved CEO intervened and averted an ugly legal fight, but as you can see the humble and thrifty WC was never in any real danger.

The thrifty but safe all alonng,


sin said...

Dear Molly, Mick and assembled others. Where to start? I guess with the big new team. Umm, good luck with that. Sometimes those big teams are more handful than they are worth. Sounds like some possible conflict going on there. Tell me, is WC a lawyer?

And Molly, I was also home with a sick child, and wish I had thought to watch Ellen - I laughed out loud when you said she voted herself employee of the month. I'm thinking of doing that for myself here!