"Simone" and "Sam" have been forced to go on the Lam, after some sloppy security work exposed them to their potential "enemies". Fortunately, they've found help through the SBPP.
("Sex Bloggers Protection Program"). Follow their adventures here until its safe for them to resume their prior alter-egos.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

HNT / And Some Thoughts from our Senior Correspondent

Thanks for your supportive comments yesterday. We did get our youngest daughter off on her adventure yesterday. We were all pretty chipper on the ride to the airport, only to lose it in a swamp of tears as we shared hugs with her for the last time for the next 10  months of so. But we know it will leave all of us changed, hopefully for the best, once this adventure is over. And there’s always Skype! (Last night she was “too busy” making new friends at a pre-Europe orientation to talk with us. A good sign as far as we were concerned).

This morning we pack up the car for our older daughter’s trip to College. And it’s wonderful that Donna, our Senior Correspondent stepped into the breach with some thoughts on the charms of the BDSM lifestyle. And as a bonus, I’ve thrown in an HNT outtake (above) from our little detour to that Bed and Breakfast over the weekend.

So there I was, just scrolling through some research, when I came across a 2009 study: Hormonal Changes and Couple Bonding in Consensual Sadomasochistic Activity, from The Archives of Sexual Behavior. 

Who could resist? 

So I opened it up and there I found this:

“...hormonal changes associated with Sadomasochistic activities including spanking, bondage and flogging, suggest that it could bring consenting couples closer together. The increases in relationship closeness combined with the displays of caring and affection observed as part of the SM activities offer support for the modern view that SM, when performed consensually, has the potential to increase intimacy between participants.”

So, while I think the hormone changes, spanking, bondage and flogging are fairly clear, what displays of caring and affection observed as part of the SM activities would be noteworthy?

The first that comes to mind for me is that of the Dom/Domme regularly checking in with the sub, not just verbally, but visually. Usually when gagged, there is a hand signal rather than a safe word, but I really haven’t heard of safe words being used terribly often. An attentive Dom usually picks up the visual clues long before the sub is ready to safe word. The muscles, the breathing patterns, changing of the coloring of the skin, the heat of the body, these are just a few of the non-verbal things a Dom checks to keep careful watch on the sub. That level of knowing a partner's body so well and paying such close attention has to have carry-over to everyday life, even if scaled back a bit.

From my own experiences, as well as talking with friends, I also think it is common for BDSM couples to make a special point of regularly adding new things to the mix, dildos, plugs, whips, canes, leathers, new techniques, clubs, dungeons and more. That says the partners are thinking about the relationship, planning ahead and looking forward to their time together, and probably showing up with some surprises for one another from time to time, not just on Valentine’s Day. Who doesn't appreciate knowing that someone is thinking of playing with them often and is willing to put the time, energy and money into spicing things up?

There is also the aftercare. How many jokes are there about vanilla sex and the men who want to just roll over and go to sleep after sex while the females want to talk? With BDSM, I haven’t found that to be the case. Aftercare is a very special time between participants to check out their physical and psychological situation following activities. It might be spent cuddling, rocking, discussing the scene, or sharing water or a quick energy snack. It is a time of settling, offering words of gratitude. I have friends who have a ritual of a rubdown, checking for any abraded areas or places that might need some TLC, and I have heard of people who brush their partner’s hair. It’s probably different for every couple or ménage, and it is very important, not only as a check-up and check-in, but as something that bonds us together.

And finally, something else that comes to mind when I think of this is that our friends who have been into BDSM for a period of time seem to generally have a little extra spark when they talk about one another. I suspect it might have something to do with having a shared secret, a secret stash of toys and BDSM paraphernalia. Or maybe it’s a secret language, like that special wink that means.”Send your parents home soon and I’ll go put on my leather bustier and be waiting in the bedroom with the flogger!”

Although I imagine that extra spark is really due to a combination of all of the above.

Every group of people, including the group of people involved in BDSM, has its fanatics, those out on a limb people, but I think this study is basically on target. I do think that BDSM, when performed consensually, has the potential to increase intimacy between participants. Of course I didn’t need a study to tell me that, but it is so nice when a study supports what we have already decided. Don't you agree?


Aimee said...

If anything one of the areas where couples really involved in BDSM have a big advantage is in communication. I think there's a shared spark, an extra bit of intimacy and comfort with each other, but I think that ability to communicate (both verbally and non-verbally) back and forth that is practiced so much more when you engage in BDSM activities is one of the real benefits in long-term relationships.

Mistress Aimee

Jay said...

Hey Donna,

Great post...has me thinking about how I can spice things up with Suzanne for a change of pace! Nice how you fill in for Mick so often. I'm also hoping to get the title Senior Correspondent over at All Mine!

And Mick...another great photo!

Donna said...

Hi Jay,

I think you should go for that title. It won't make you rich but it is something nice to add to the resume...or maybe not!

Please keep me posted on what you decide to do with/for Suzanne. You and tammy seem to be quite creative thinkers. I love that!


Donna said...

Mistress Aimee,

I feel quite strongly that you are right about the connection. I also think that's why there are so many people in their 70s and 80s still going to clubs and dungeons. It is about so much more than sex. I love the sex, but the "more than" part is both stimulating and settling!

BTW, I am enjoying your blog.


WC said...

Good job as usual Donna,

nilla said...

Another great post, Donna!

And so true...i laughed at the buttons--all funny, yet with a biting bit of truth too!

And of course, it mystifies me how Master knows exactly how far to 'push'--there have been times, as brookepuppy recently wrote, that he has not taken my ass as i was not feeling quite well. And i'd been worried he'd wanna --yanno, just take it?

but that level of caring is so much more honed, and honest and deep within our D/s relationship that i should not have had a moments concern.

so, he passed on assfucking and made up for it with other fun things like pinching and tickle torture and lots and lots of spanking.

And it was good. And affirming, not guilt-ridden.

Thanks for a great post, my dear friend.

As to Mick and MOlly...two down...and i wish you lots of nekkid frollicing...even as you cope wiht the inevitible "fall" that comes (or so i'm told) after the nest is cleared...

hugs all around,


beingaisha said...

I can't believe i missed this yesterday... and i 'm on the run again... i'll have to come back and leave a real comment.

I loved this...