There is much being written on blogs lately concerning a committed partner having sexual BDSM play and/or intercourse with someone other than their partner. I have an open BDSM marriage, so I decided to weigh in. But first, a short little rant.
For a few out there, as soon as this topic arises, the vocabulary suddenly includes pejoratives, slurs, and words with negative connotations. Frankly, I am a bit surprised by that. Those very same people would be first in line to correct someone who used a slur of any sort to describe a homosexual, lesbian, someone who enjoyed nipple clamps, the giving or receiving of a whipping, the use of sex toys and dildos, on-line BDSM Dom/sub searches or the use of a webcam in a sexual relationship. How is an open relationship, whether cuckolding or not, so different? This is simply another sexual leaning, a preference, a kink.
End of rant and on to my post about our open BDSM marriage.
As Bill was getting ready to leave on a group camping trip for a convention of tree huggers last week, I gave him a good-bye kiss and asked whether he had remembered to pack his flashlight, toilet paper, coffee pot, tent stakes, lube and condoms. Ordinarily I am the person who packs things, but Bill had finished up his packing while I was working on something else and I didn’t want him to forget anything he might need. And yes, even without me along on the camping trip he might need the lube and condoms.
Bill has been working on several projects and presentations with a woman in the camping group, and I know he finds her to be attractive both physically and intellectually. I also know that she has been skirting around the edges of her physical attraction to him. She is a submissive, without a Dom for the last few years, and soon after I met her I could tell she could really use that sort of settling that Bill does so well. She is not married, she has no children and her job would not be at risk if she and Bill were to be sexually involved over the four day camp. I had read the emails she had sent to Bill, and had spoken with her on the phone just the previous day. She is a sweet person, not looking for a life mate, simply looking for a bit of time with a solid and safe Dom without all the drama of trying to sort through those on-line.
As things turned out, they didn’t get together. While they were certainly busy with meetings, training sessions, presentations, tree sitting and hiking, I suspect the lack of shower facilities in the 90+ degree heat and the hand dug outdoor latrines (that Bill helped shovel out) may have played a part in tamping down thoughts of play and sex. It’s a bit hard to feel really refreshed and sexy when baby wipes are the only available means of washing up. I imagine they will get together before long. She is a wonderful woman with a submissive need, and I have every hope Bill can help her. The bonus for me is that I find it to be a huge turn-on that my Dom is such a stud and that he is so good with submissives. He shares all that happens, and listening to him tell me how things unfolded as he slowly draws circles around my nipples and then repeats with me physically what he did with someone else, is hot and steamy and always ends in powerful orgasms for us both.
Flipping over to things going on with me, I am going to a special place for some submissive training in a few weeks. I will be going alone. There are some things Bill and I both want me to work on with the trainers there. I am over the moon with excitement that I have this opportunity and Bill has been awaiting my chance to get together with these wonderful people with almost as much anticipation as I have. There will be sexual explorations during my time there, and Bill is absolutely okay with that. He is anxious to hear how things go and has made clear to all involved that he would like to be called if there are any problems at all, but other than that, he wants me to have a wonderful time and experience as much as I possibly can.
You may notice that a commonality in those two situations is that we each know what the other is doing. Bill has read all the emails from my trainers and I have read all of his emails from the woman I spoke of earlier. He knows exactly where I will be and who I will be with and they know him, just as I knew about the woman on the camping trip. If either of us felt at all uneasy, we would stop immediately. There is a safe word for either of us to use in just that situation, but we have never felt the need to use it. Our rules revolve around honesty with one another and safety, both physically and psychologically. And those rules are very firm.
The big fear that some have expressed to me is that their partner might find someone else they like better and leave them. Yes, that could happen, or your partner might find someone she/he likes better at the grocery store or the gym. If you live with that fear then, quite simply, this isn’t your kink.
Do we have sex with new people all the time? No, absolutely not. We have gone for years at a time without anyone new joining us. When the person, the time and the circumstances are right, we know and they know.
Maybe it was our work or maybe it was our childhood years, but we both learned early on that life is short and that things can change forever in the blink of an eye. We choose to live deeply in love, accepting who we are and enjoying our kinks.