"Simone" and "Sam" have been forced to go on the Lam, after some sloppy security work exposed them to their potential "enemies". Fortunately, they've found help through the SBPP.
("Sex Bloggers Protection Program"). Follow their adventures here until its safe for them to resume their prior alter-egos.

Friday, August 26, 2011

Our Senior Correspondent on Jealousy and Open Relationships

There is much being written on blogs lately concerning a committed partner having sexual BDSM play and/or intercourse with someone other than their partner. I have an open BDSM marriage, so I decided to weigh in. But first, a short little rant. 
For a few out there, as soon as this topic arises, the vocabulary suddenly includes pejoratives, slurs, and words with negative connotations. Frankly, I am a bit surprised by that. Those very same people would be first in line to correct someone who used a slur of any sort to describe a homosexual, lesbian, someone who enjoyed nipple clamps, the giving or receiving of a whipping, the use of sex toys and dildos, on-line BDSM Dom/sub searches or the use of a webcam in a sexual relationship. How is an open relationship, whether cuckolding or not, so different? This is simply another sexual leaning, a preference, a kink.
End of rant and on to my post about our open BDSM marriage.

As Bill was getting ready to leave on a group camping trip for a convention of tree huggers last week, I gave him a good-bye kiss and asked whether he had remembered to pack his flashlight, toilet paper, coffee pot, tent stakes, lube and condoms. Ordinarily I am the person who packs things, but Bill had finished up his packing while I was working on something else and I didn’t want him to forget anything he might need. And yes, even without me along on the camping trip he might need the lube and condoms.
Bill has been working on several projects and presentations with a woman in the camping group, and I know he finds her to be attractive both physically and intellectually. I also know that she has been skirting around the edges of her physical attraction to him. She is a submissive, without a Dom for the last few years, and soon after I met her I could tell she could really use that sort of settling that Bill does so well.  She is not married, she has no children and her job would not be at risk if she and Bill were to be sexually involved over the four day camp. I had read the emails she had sent to Bill, and had spoken with her on the phone just the previous day. She is a sweet person, not looking for a life mate, simply looking for a bit of time with a solid and safe Dom without all the drama of trying to sort through those on-line.
As things turned out, they didn’t get together. While they were certainly busy with meetings, training sessions, presentations, tree sitting and hiking, I suspect the lack of shower facilities in the 90+ degree heat and the hand dug outdoor latrines (that Bill helped shovel out) may have played a part in tamping down thoughts of play and sex. It’s a bit hard to feel really refreshed and sexy when baby wipes are the only available means of washing up. I imagine they will get together before long. She is a wonderful woman with a submissive need, and I have every hope Bill can help her. The bonus for me is that I find it to be a huge turn-on that my Dom is such a stud and that he is so good with submissives. He shares all that happens, and listening to him tell me how things unfolded as he slowly draws circles around my nipples and then repeats with me physically what he did with someone else, is hot and steamy and always ends in powerful orgasms for us both.
Flipping over to things going on with me, I am going to a special place for some submissive training in a few weeks. I will be going alone. There are some things Bill and I both want me to work on with the trainers there. I am over the moon with excitement that I have this opportunity and Bill has been awaiting my chance to get together with these wonderful people with almost as much anticipation as I have. There will be sexual explorations during my time there, and Bill is absolutely okay with that. He is anxious to hear how things go and has made clear to all involved that he would like to be called if there are any problems at all, but other than that, he wants me to have a wonderful time and experience as much as I possibly can.

You may notice that a commonality in those two situations is that we each know what the other is doing. Bill has read all the emails from my trainers and I have read all of his emails from the woman I spoke of earlier. He knows exactly where I will be and who I will be with and they know him, just as I knew about the woman on the camping trip. If either of us felt at all uneasy, we would stop immediately. There is a safe word for either of us to use in just that situation, but we have never felt the need to use it. Our rules revolve around honesty with one another and safety, both physically and psychologically. And those rules are very firm.
The big fear that some have expressed to me is that their partner might find someone else they like better and leave them.  Yes, that could happen, or your partner might find someone she/he likes better at the grocery store or the gym. If you live with that fear then, quite simply, this isn’t your kink.
Do we have sex with new people all the time? No, absolutely not. We have gone for years at a time without anyone new joining us. When the person, the time and the circumstances are right, we know and they know.
Maybe it was our work or maybe it was our childhood years, but we both learned early on that life is short and that things can change forever in the blink of an eye. We choose to live deeply in love, accepting who we are  and enjoying our kinks.


sin said...

Good story Donna, thanks for sharing it.

Can you tell me which words you feel are pejorative or slurs or have a negative connotation in discussing this subject?


beingaisha said...

I love the relationship you and Bill have. You are so blessed with each other, and so blessing of each other!

Are you ~ the training you're doing ~ ok, I won't ask where... i'll just hope it's where I'm thinking. That would be soooo amazingly cool.


Aimee said...


Thanks for the lovely post. I think many people misunderstand "open" relationships and poly relationships in the same ways that others misunderstand LGBTQ people (and unfortunately even those that understand one do not always get the other).

A truly open relationship is built on communication, trust, and mutuality (as you and Bill most obviously have), and I think it is apparent that you both love each other greatly, and take pleasure in sharing your passions with others (always knowing that you have a partner who is there to come back to).

My sissy and I have not yet gone to a total "open" relationship, but she has allowed me a handful of outside experiences in the past and we are just fine too, again it was all done with love, respect, and communication.

So good for both of you, keep up your lovely relationship, and do not let the negativity out there get to you.

Mistress Aimee

Donna said...


Bill is a big fan of Jack Kerouac, so I had to laugh when I saw that my post seems to be channeling the Jack Kerouac paragraph style :) At some point Mick and I will have to synchronize our computers so they speak nicely to each other.


Donna said...

@sin, Thank you.

@aisha, You would be right about Bill and me and right about my training, too! I will be writing about it later on. Can't wait!

@Mistress Aimee, Thank you for your kind and thoughtful words! I am enjoying your blog and wish you well with shoe shopping for your sissy today.


Suzanne said...

Great post Donna....and enjoy your training! You're one lucky sub. Maybe I can send tammy there some day :)

An excellent reminder by Mick yesterday as well. Everyone needs to hear the message every so often for reinforcement, not just the transgressors. Unfortunately, they're the ones who usually miss the point anyway!

Soooo nice to be back.


WC said...

Very cool Donna,

nilla said...

It is refreshing to hear from another person that they don't have jealousy regarding openness in their relationship-

for a very long time i have felt like the lone person who feels this way, and no matter how i *try* to say it, it comes out sounding like i'm smug about it. I'm not, but i could not make it sound as beautiful as you have done here.

Thanks for giving voice to the beauty of loving and caring for others, that it doesn't diminish you or them, but adds to the fullness of life.


Donna said...

@ Suzanne, It is wonderful to have a comment from you again. Welcome home!

@ WC, Bill's the cool cat in our relationship. :)

@ nilla, I am touched by your comment. To receive such a lovely compliment from a talented writer does my heart good. Thank you.