From: Mick Collins, Director of Human Resources
To: UCTMW Staff, World Wide.
RE: UCTMW Equal Opportunity Policy.
Our CEO has asked me to remind all of our staff members, from the lowly mail room attendant (sometimes me) to our various far flung correspondents that UCTMW remains an equal employment opportunity media empire, and aspires to the highest standards when it comes to creating a workplace free of unlawful (or even mildly unpleasant) discrimination based on the widely recognized protected classifications, and even a few that we’ve made up, often without notice to the rest of you.
Here is our policy, in case you need to refresh yourselves after a long evening of “research”:
“UCTMW strives to create a workplace that is free from discrimination and harassment and treats all employees equally. We go so far as to give each of our employees the same compensation and benefit package no matter how lofty or insignificant their spot in the corporate pecking order may be.
We do not discriminate, nor will we tolerate discrimination, based upon race, gender, religion, national origin, age, disability, educational attainment, kink, sexual orientation, physical appearance, work ethic, accent, preference for snow boarding vs. alpine skiing, or white vs. red wine, eye color, garb (with the exception of madras shorts worn by males), fetish, or political affiliation (other than members of the Tea Party).
Our policy not only assures non-discrimination in hiring, promotion and compensation and the abuse of lavish expense accounts, but also protects our staff from harassment based upon any of the above listed classifications or characteristics.
There are two types of harassment we prohibit.
“Quid pro Quo” harassment would be when the CEO says, “if you do a particularly fine job of worshiping my clean shaven folds, there’s a good chance you I can find a replacement for you in the male room, and I will promote you to my personal assistant and traveling secretary”.
(Oops. I forgot, Mistress edited out that part of our policy when we last re-wrote the Employee Handbook. That type of harassment is no longer prohibited.)
We also prohibit “hostile environment” harassment. That’s the kind where conduct of a verbal or physical nature that is “unwelcome” makes an employee or customer uncomfortable, and is based on one of the characteristics listed above.
Of course, “unwelcome” is the key. When the CEO tells me I need to wear a cock cage if we aren’t going to be in close proximity during the day, it’s based on my gender. Only guys have cocks, right? But then, since I’ve agreed to this form of “mistreatment” in my contract, it’s hard to say that wearing that cock cage would be unwelcome. (Unless I had a really good lawyer, and the jury was all male, that is.)
What brings this reminder to the fore?
Well, yesterday we had some salty comments here at UCTMW about the national origin of an emerging member of our team here. A certain “Francois”.
Another staff member called him out as swaggering Euro-trash, based on a comment reported here yesterday that Most American men would not know how to handle our beautiful, smart and oh so sumptuous CEO.
Now I for one do not know whether Francois would consider this comment “unwelcome”. In fact, when Molly asked him whether he minded being portrayed on these pages, the response was something like.
“Sure…. Maybe I will come off like swaggering Euro-trash. Go for it!”
And it could be that his own characterization of American guys as cowering, flaccid and unconfident wimps who don’t know how to properly give American woman what they really want, deep down inside, is a stereotype too.
I suppose that is for Mistress and the rest of our readers to comment on, and is out of the limited expertise of this pampered house Slave.
Now, back to our regular programming. Did you think I forgot about HNT?