Internet Publishing Powerhouse Seeks Chief Procurement Officer

River City, USA. Molly Collins, CEO and Publisher of the internet publishing conglomerate UCTMW Enterprises, LLC announced a world wide search today to fill the position of Chief Procurement Officer with the organization.

“In these challenging times, aggressive supply chain management is critical as we seek to serve our discerning customers and assure that our investors earn the types of profits they have come to expect. That’s why I have made the difficult decision to accept the resignation of long time CPO Mick Collins in order to upgrade this important role in our growing organization.”

In a job description issued with the announcement, UCTMW set forth the qualifications of a new CPO:

“The successful candidate will demonstrate experience and comprehension of advanced internet purchasing technology, including the ability to track UPS delivery systems in real time, and check the box that says “two day delivery” when necessary to maintain continuous service of key organization functionality.

In addition, the candidate will have demonstrated ability to manage critical supply inventory, and anticipate and prevent shortages of critical components required for timely production and distribution, particularly the types of anecdotes that keep our readers coming back for more, despite competition from more imaginative bloggers, who have been known to resort to stories about sex with barn yard animals to stimulate page views.

The CPO will report directly to the CEO. A preference will be given to candidates with good oral skills, pliable lips and tongue, and with a tolerance for long periods of time spent on the candidate’s knees.

While UCTMW is an equal opportunity employer, there are certain bona fide occupational qualifications that apply to this position, regarding which pre-clearance has been obtained from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission. As a result applicants are limited to Males, age 35-55, who are built for comfort, not for speed.

While candidates will be given a preference for advanced degrees and proper command of the English language, spelling ability is not critical, other than as required to fill out a proper on-line order form.

The successful applicant will be subject to a pre-employment physical conducted by the CEO.”

Ms. Collins stated that she hopes that the CPO position can be filled by January 1, 2011. “This is a critical position to fill as UCTMW moves forward into the new year. I can’t be expected to be without the tools needed to get this job done properly”, She said.

Sources that did not want to be identified have told this reporter that former CPO, Mick Collins, has been demoted, and was last seen in the company mail room. He reportedly complained that “One day your tongue is planted between the boss’s thighs, the next day it’s licking stamps. Maybe we need a Union around here.”