"Simone" and "Sam" have been forced to go on the Lam, after some sloppy security work exposed them to their potential "enemies". Fortunately, they've found help through the SBPP.
("Sex Bloggers Protection Program"). Follow their adventures here until its safe for them to resume their prior alter-egos.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

UCTMW Management Responds to Shocking Workplace Injury

We were lying in bed here at the UCTMW World Headquarters.

Mistress had been worshipped upon my return from work, as is her right and expectation. 

The kids had been fed, all back under the roof after their three day weekend. 

We planned to watch the 1st episode of this season’s Big Love (you know, the adventures of  the narcissistic, messianic Morman State Senator, and his three increasingly schizoid wives). Then, if Mistress was in a generous mood,  Mick would get his first opportunity to fuck her since our rather extravagant “punishment” session on Sunday morning.

All in all, it was a good plan for a quiet evening at home.

Then (sound the claxon horns),  we received a text message about some potentially critical problems at our Western field office.

As Mistress peered at her I-phone, she expressed her surprise with a guffaw.

“The Western Correspondent says he was out riding his bike for the last hour and a half, and now his cock is frozen…”

She tapped away, apparently asking for a more complete report.  His response came quickly.

“Here are more details, Slave:  23 degrees; high winds; he had jeans on, but no underwear.  And he must have forgotten to zip up his fly.”

“The winds was so strong he was sliding sideways on ice….”

Now I was the one laughing.

“Just remind him that our UCTMW Employee Handbook specifically says that we are not responsible for frozen dicks when an employee exposes himself to below freezing temperatures without wearing his underoos.”

I write one hell of an Employee Handbook, in case you need one.  The key is to anticipate of all the potential shit storms that could befall an employer, then figure a way to make all of them the employees' fault!

I was trying to pay attention to “Big Love”, disappointed that all that multi-partner sex shown in the earlier seasons had now been replaced with lots of angst and finger pointing among the wives.  Clearly this Series jumped the shark once the Prophet met his ignominious end.

But our Western Correspondent continued to provide Mistress with updates.

“Sounds like it’s not responding to treatment, Slave….. still frozen.”

I could sense an expensive workers’ comp claim on the horizon. And our defense would have to be based on the reckless behavior of our Western Correspondent, out on yet another frolic and detour.

Could he argue that this frigid bike ride was in the scope of his duties? I suppose it would be possible.

Sometimes when he calls and directs Mistress to deploy her power tool, he is out cruising around on his bike. He could characterize as her consent to such work / recreation field trips. And our health insurer has been pushing all this “Wellness” crap-olla, as an incentive to get our lofty premiums down. Certainly after hours exercise might be described as "just following orders."

One way or the other, I can see him sweet talking some dumpy  administrative hearing officer in an ill fitting pants suit that he was just following company policy as he went on that frigid, cock risking bike ride last night.

No doubt she will want to adjourn to her chambers in order to personally inspect the damaged appendage, in her effort  to confirm whether  his claim for permanent partial disability is firm or flaccid.

Our final line of defense may have to be that he was out of uniform. Our correspondents are not expected to go commando while on duty, without clear instructions from the publisher. It says so in the Handbook. Page 35, footnote 13. He can look it up.

“Slave, I’m telling him that he better not have done any permanent damage to the special occasion cock before I have the chance to try it out.”

“That would be tragic Mistress…. Do you think he has a microwave big enough to fit it…. That might work.”

At some point, M’s pleas for sympathy petered out, so to speak.

And when the show ended, Mistress, who’s mind likely had been muddled by thoughts of a frozen cock-sicle warming between her full and sensual lips, asked if I was prepared to fuck her.

“I am at your disposal, Mistress.”

Let’s just hope that our Western Correspondent has thawed and is now on the mend.


beingaisha said...

That's hysterical. Thanks for starting my day with those images. I particularly like the microwave suggeston...


sin said...

Mick , I believe you would write a hell of a handbook. I might need some help with one. Seriously, I have started one and submitted it for approval. No response yet.

I do think that this is not the first non-underwear biking injury for the WC. Perhaps he needs to be disciplined?


xantu said...

Spitting up coffee here. Totally fun to read.

Donna said...

I happen to have a quite a way with knitting needles. Stop cringing, that's not where I am going with this, for now. Back to knitting, it would be my pleasure to knit expandable cock cozies for the men in your organization so that this terribly sad and painful situation doesn't happen again. The measurements must be quite exact and need to take into account the expansion factor. Therefore it will be necessary that I meet with each male employee and do whatever is necessary to be sure I have accurate measurements. I offer a two for one discount for matching nipple covers for the females. Shall I begin shopping for just the right yarns?

WC said...

That is very funny Donna,

we will arrange a fitting!

The dick is ok this morning, tried it out on B and still lazy,


WC said...

Dear Mick,

I think it only fair that UCTMW pay for what is sure to be a long rehabilation process, requiring frequent insertions of the injured into warm wet places. Please let my know UCTMW's position on this matter.

The wounded but still writing,


nilla said...

MIck...this is my hands-down favorite post you have ever written...funny, cheeky, with a sweet little "bite"....*bravo*!!!

i was laughing out loud while reading it.

@ WC? i also knit.....*waggles eyebrows*...avidly...

SnowCaptive said...

*laughs* Those are text messages that needs to be published.

Suzanne said...


I've had the opportunity to provide consultative services to some Fortune 500 companies as they assemble or make amendments to their employee handbooks, company policies and the like. I'm sure you have a clause in yours that states that all employees are expected to work in a safe manner.

WC's icicle, I mean, bicycle ride "sans sous-vetements" doesn't constitute working in a safe manner.

Further, please make sure WC provided adequate medical documentation. A second opinion should also be sought.

Thanks for a very funny post. I needed something to make me smile today :)

WC said...

UCTMC is truly a heartless emoloyer. You are still figting me on my comp claim for broken ribs and now this.

I will be talking to my lawyer!

The pissed off,


UCTMW Enterprises Management Team said...

Now WC:
you receive full and opened access to the Queen of this great empire (me) i ask that you resend your vitriolic comments. This hateful speech is the sort of thing that is causing heartache in our great nation! We love you WC and wish to nurse you back to health...
Molly Collins, CEO

Donna said...

As an interested observer, might I request a clarification of the term "nurse"?

WC said...

Now Molly,

While you continue to treat me with respect and dignity , your bully of a corporate council continues to belittle my very serious injuries and productivity. You really should call the guy on the carpet as he not nice in his treatment of the ever humble and hard working WC. I have given the best years of my life and helped build the UCTMW media empire, and deserve better treatment than Mick Collins affords me!

The I expect you to take care of your corporate council,


Therefore you will be hearing from my lawyer Jay Noble Dagertt IV great great grandson of the famous mouthpiece of some modest movie fame.

UCTMW Enterprises Management Team said...

I think this tragic accident has led to more comments on a single blog than any so far in the annals of the "UCTMW media empire". It's nice that our WC gets so much solicitous concern for his "icicle", and even several offers to help him restore himself to full capacity.

However, I suspect his recovery will be quick and complete, particularly if our Publisher succumbs once again to his powers of persuasion.