"Simone" and "Sam" have been forced to go on the Lam, after some sloppy security work exposed them to their potential "enemies". Fortunately, they've found help through the SBPP.
("Sex Bloggers Protection Program"). Follow their adventures here until its safe for them to resume their prior alter-egos.

Saturday, July 2, 2011

From Our Senior Correspondent: Donna Learns a Lesson or Three

 As you read this, Molly and Mick are jetting west, into the land of forest fires. Thankfully, Donna contributed this very entertaining post. You'll hear from us Sunday morning.  Have a great weekend.
I had a situation come up the other day that I had some difficulty handling. No, silly people, it wasn’t Bill, I love handling Bill when he’s up, this was something totally different.
This was a case where an acquaintance from long ago and far away, an old friend of my mother-in-law, tracked us down through the internet. There is really no nice way of saying this so I’ll just blurt it out, one of the many joys of leaving that state where we lived was that I didn’t think I would have to deal with this person again. And then, one afternoon this week, there she was on the phone. I had been expecting a call from someone else and grabbed the phone without checking caller ID: I’ve learned my lesson.
This person said she was visiting some of her relatives who live several hours from us and out of the goodness of her heart *cough-choke-gag* wanted to check on us for my mother-in-law, who isn’t able to travel.
I could see right through that but, in an attempt to keep things on an even keel with my MIL, I ended up agreeing to meet this woman at a restaurant about two hours from our home for a late breakfast. Surely, I thought, how bad can it be to spend an hour or two visiting with this woman: I’ve learned my lesson.
The woman, who I shall refer to as Mrs. Nosy from here on out, seems to derive some perverted pleasure in seeing all of life with a negative spin and takes enjoyment in sharing that negativity with anyone standing still long enough to be assaulted by her tongue, and I don’t mean that in a good way, at all. The only change in her demeanor is when she happily slips into her self-appointed role as inquisitor, attempting to snag a juicy tidbit of information to which she might apply her negative spin and then share her kicked-up version with the rest of the world. In fact, she seems to be quite zealous in that pursuit.

So there I sat in a Shoney’s Restaurant just off the interstate. Bill had dropped me off like a hot potato and headed for parts unknown, promising to return in no more than 75 minutes. We had synchronized our watches. Across from me sat Mrs. Nosy, slurping coffee and shoveling in eggs, bacon, grits and biscuits with sausage gravy. I was staring into my coffee cup, trying to avoid eye contact or any motion at all that might be construed as encouragement for her to continue speaking, especially with her mouth full.
 As I attempted to hold perfectly still, neither nodding, nor blinking, my mind returned to several comments Molly has made lately about vanilla friends seeming quite boring and focused on less interesting issues than her ever-expanding circle of BDSM friends.
With that thought, my mind suddenly shifted into survival mode and I realized that Molly had planted the seeds to handle this very situation. I would answer the questions from the inquisitor clearly and succinctly with a vanilla response but would keep from dying of boredom, or outright lying, by answering them with a more honest BDSM reply in my head.

(Mrs. Nosy) How’s Bill?
(My response) He’s fine.
(BDSM answer) He’s great, in fact he’s downright amazing as he makes me scream and cum at his command, thank you.
(Mrs. Nosy) What have you been doing lately to keep busy?
 (My response) Not much really, some reading.
(BDSM answer) Well, we recently came up with a lovely bedroom wall display for our whips, floggers and paddles that we’re quite pleased with.
(Mrs. Nosy) What about the fashions this year? What happened to well fitting garments?
 (My response)  I don’t know.
(BDSM answer) I haven’t noticed a problem. Just last month I bought a new leather bustier that fits quite well, lifting my naked breasts and giving me a shape that makes my man howl!
(Mrs. Nosy) I heard from your mother-in-law that you live way out in the woods. What in the world were you thinking, do you have any neighbors at all?
 (My response)  We have lovely neighbors.
(BDSM answer) We do have neighbors although we don’t see them as often since they arrived unannounced and found us both nude sharing a chair on the deck with my lips wrapped around Bill’s cock.
(Mrs. Nosy) Isn’t it difficult to get to a store to pick up household this and that’s when you live out so far away from town?
 (My response)  No.
(BDSM answer) We haven’t noticed a problem. We order our whips and floggers out of NY from some friends who have a dungeon and we get all of our lubes, anal plugs, dildos and other supplies from or
(Mrs. Nosy) This just seems like such a backward area, is there even anywhere decent to get anything good to eat around here?
 (My response)  I don’t really know.
(BDSM answer) Well, I always enjoy eating Bill.
Fortunately, it was right about then that Bill arrived to pick me. He saw the look on my face through the window and dashed back to the car. I quickly said good-bye, tossed some money onto the table, pressed a few extra dollars into the hand of the poor waitress and got out of that Shoney’s just as fast as I could. Bill was standing with both front and back passenger doors open. He quickly helped me into the front seat, tossed the crutches into the back, slammed both doors shut and ran around to the driver’s side at a pace that would put any Indy driver to shame. We peeled out of the parking lot, hopped onto the interstate and got the hell out of Dodge.
I won’t be agreeing to any more meetings.
I’ve learned my lesson.



beingaisha said...

Very cute, Donna! Love your answers...


Suzanne said...

Oh Donna...I was hoping that at some point in the conversation you would just "tell it like it is." Too bad about the neighbors.... :)

Donna said...

Aisha- Thank you.

Suzanne- I was biting my tongue so hard, I'm sure it was bleeding! lol

We wouldn't care what the old bat said about us, but for me to say something knowing it would cause my MIL embarrassment among her friends gave me pause.

The So Grateful to Live Where We Do,

Donna said...

Hey WC, Are you out there somewhere in Blogland?

Since you are the resident Assotologist for UCTMW, I wanted to let you know there is a butt plug over at Scary Sextoy Friday that you shouldn't miss.

The Suck a Good Little Sub,
Oops, I meant to say SUCH a Good Little Sub. LOL!


Paige said...


Great post! I am absolutely going to use this tactic the next time I get into a conversation with somebody I would rather not be talking with. I love it!


Donna said...

Hi Paige,

Thanks. I see you've started your own blog. Hope you enjoy it. And btw, I love Victoria's Secret panties, too.


Anonymous said...

this is wonderful and just like Molly would have done. Being a communicator/PR girl by day (and living with a lawyer who says that you never speculate, say "I don't recall" or offer up too much)...less with the annoying vanilla kind is always more. I too long for way out in the middle of no where where we only see those we want to see (and disregard the rest as a great songwriter once said)

UCTMW Enterprises Management Team said...

Thanks for filling in today Donna... Maybe I should coach witnesses to answer hostile questions this way too.


Donna said...

Hey it's that traveling duo, Mick and Molly!

How's the smoke out that way? Did you pick up those masks I suggested?

Molly, I don't know how you do that PR, talk nice-nice thing all the time. I almost blew a gasket in the relatively short time I was with Mrs. Nosy!

You know, if you ever want to escape the city your Director of Security would pick you up and deposit you here where nobody knows your name-it's kind of the opposite of Cheers!

Mick, I'm always happy to help. And speaking of help, for a very reasonable cash raise, I might be convinced to coach your clients and witnesses. The WC can draw up a contract in no time at all!