"Simone" and "Sam" have been forced to go on the Lam, after some sloppy security work exposed them to their potential "enemies". Fortunately, they've found help through the SBPP.
("Sex Bloggers Protection Program"). Follow their adventures here until its safe for them to resume their prior alter-egos.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Our Senior Correspondent's Spring Cleaning Tips

As I type, Molly,  Mick and the surly teens are lolling at DFW airport, waiting for our flight back to River City. It was a beautiful, if chilly day when we woke in the shadow of the Sangre de Christo Mountains. After some morning sex, Mistress twisted my arm to take a bracing bike ride in 20 degree temperatures. of course, it was well worth it in light of the day to come of sitting on our asses. And speaking of asses, I know the first thing I will do on emerging from our flight tonight is check the But(t)ler  vs. UConn score, if only to learn the fate of Suzanne's virgin ass.  

Good luck Suzanne! (of course, by the time you read this your ass's fate will be decided, at least until your next bet, maybe on the baseball playoffs in October?)

But since I anticipate being tired and cranky in the AM, I prevailed on our Senior Correspondent, Donna, to provide today's entertainment.  I am sure you will all be inspired, and just a little envious of Bill and Donna's extensive collection.

It’s Spring! Yes, it’s time again for the annual Sex Accoutrement Spring Cleaning. It’s that time of year to go through all our tools, toys, implements of instruction and supplies as we continue doing it like bunnies all over the house, on the porch, in the yard and in the woods.
For me, the easiest way to begin is by placing everything within easy reach, separating implements into similar piles. My piles are smackers (strop, paddles, whips, belts, canes and paddles), Liberator ramps, anal, vaginal and clitoral stimulators, sleeves, collars, nipple clamps, boas, blindfolds, handcuffs, under the bed restraint system and lubes (both water based and silicone). Don’t forget your multi-taskers from the kitchen such as wooden spoons, pancake flippers and offset spatulas, the glass dildos stored in the ice maker or the pocket rockets in the glove boxes of your vehicles.

The goal now is to handle every single implement, determining condition, variety, quality, quantity, as well as to check the “best if used by” dates on lubes and condoms. Hopefully we all keep our items of pleasure fastidiously clean, but even so they can develop wear and tear that we may have missed in the heat of the moment.
Start with one pile, for example, butt plugs. Separate the butt plugs into vibrating and non- vibrating. Now do a careful inspection for any areas where there may be chips or cracks that might be a spot where bacteria could hide. If you notice any, toss the plug in the trash, it’s not worth the risk. Clean as recommended by the manufacturer, dry thoroughly and replace batteries to be sure you will be getting maximum power and zip-a-dee-doo-dah.

Move on to the next group, say…maybe the vaginal toys. If your rabbit vibrator looks more like a decrepit wilting cactus than a satisfactory dance partner for your g-spot and clit, let it go. If you have tiny little vaginal vibrators left over from those days before several ten pound babies took your passageway to the light of day, why keep them? Are you going to hand them down through the family like precious heirlooms? I can guarantee that while you may have sentimental attachment, your heirs will have their own stash and won’t really be so desirous of yours.


Donna said...

Continue on in like manner working your way through the stacks, using saddle soap on the leather items, tongue oil on items made of wood, warm water on cloth items, etc. until every item of joy is sparkling clean and ready for another year of strenuous workouts.

I would suggest you keep these cardinal rules in mind:

1.Keep what you use. Use what you keep.

2. The right lube on the right tool at the right time makes the world a happy place.

3. Check your batteries often and keep a fresh supply on hand at all times.

4. And last, but not least, remember that no matter what the directions may indicate, don’t put your anal plugs in the dishwasher. You could forget about them and that will be the very time someone decides to stop by and empty your dishwasher for you.

beingaisha said...

Great post, Donna!

I particularly like that you gently pointed out that vibrators and other toys are not heirlooms. Since I tend to be a saver, I probably needed that remnder... lol.

Of course, since i still only have one toy - it makes for some easy spring cleaning. I think I'll make a point of buying something new this month. Kind of a spring treat.



xantu said...

Wow, now there is a concept... someone drop by and empty my dishwasher... pfffftttt...

WC said...

I am impressed Donna,

You guys don't need to be Eden Toy Testers...

U 2 have it all already!!!!!

The I love toys 2,


Donna said...

Hi Guys,

The last bit of the blog was lost in space so, being Technologically Amish, I just added it into the comments rather than mess up the blog.

@ Aisha-Only one toy? I'm so sorry, but pleased to know you will be building up your stash. I could make a few suggestions if you like.

@Xantu-I know, that is a rarity, but I can promise that if you have something in there you don't want anyone to see, that's the time someone would help, and my guess is that the most likely person would be the mother-in-law. :)

@WC-Really now, can anyone have too many fun things to play with? For holidays we have always given one another a vanilla gift to open in front of the family and at a separate time something to help us...celebrate the holiday in private. After 30+ years, we have built up quite an enjoyable collection.

Hugs to all,

mouse said...

ooooh that's a reminder! Somehow mouse finds cleaning all that stuff much more fun than regular crap.


Donna said...

Hi Mouse,

Isn't that the truth? And I have also found that sometimes you have to put them to use right then and there to be absolutely sure they are in proper working order. Can't be slack about cleaning, now can we?


Suzanne said...

Great post Donna (as usual)! Thanks!

Donna said...

Thanks, Suzanne.

And I would like to raise my glass and toast you for your good sportsmanship. So here's to you, Suzanne. Bottoms Up!


vanillamom said...

great post, Donna (as usual!)

i admit to being sometimes slack in cleaning my toys...that may be the fault of the post orgasmic stupor i tend to fall in...and then the next morning everyone is up...

that will be my goal for tomorrow, methinks. wash the little bag (tho i think i need two bags now, one for dildo's and one of "torment toys"...

whee..i have a big enough collection for TWO bags!!!