Our Senior Correspondent's Spring Cleaning Tips

As I type, Molly,  Mick and the surly teens are lolling at DFW airport, waiting for our flight back to River City. It was a beautiful, if chilly day when we woke in the shadow of the Sangre de Christo Mountains. After some morning sex, Mistress twisted my arm to take a bracing bike ride in 20 degree temperatures. of course, it was well worth it in light of the day to come of sitting on our asses. And speaking of asses, I know the first thing I will do on emerging from our flight tonight is check the But(t)ler  vs. UConn score, if only to learn the fate of Suzanne's virgin ass.  

Good luck Suzanne! (of course, by the time you read this your ass's fate will be decided, at least until your next bet, maybe on the baseball playoffs in October?)

But since I anticipate being tired and cranky in the AM, I prevailed on our Senior Correspondent, Donna, to provide today's entertainment.  I am sure you will all be inspired, and just a little envious of Bill and Donna's extensive collection.

It’s Spring! Yes, it’s time again for the annual Sex Accoutrement Spring Cleaning. It’s that time of year to go through all our tools, toys, implements of instruction and supplies as we continue doing it like bunnies all over the house, on the porch, in the yard and in the woods.

For me, the easiest way to begin is by placing everything within easy reach, separating implements into similar piles. My piles are smackers (strop, paddles, whips, belts, canes and paddles), Liberator ramps, anal, vaginal and clitoral stimulators, sleeves, collars, nipple clamps, boas, blindfolds, handcuffs, under the bed restraint system and lubes (both water based and silicone). Don’t forget your multi-taskers from the kitchen such as wooden spoons, pancake flippers and offset spatulas, the glass dildos stored in the ice maker or the pocket rockets in the glove boxes of your vehicles.

The goal now is to handle every single implement, determining condition, variety, quality, quantity, as well as to check the “best if used by” dates on lubes and condoms. Hopefully we all keep our items of pleasure fastidiously clean, but even so they can develop wear and tear that we may have missed in the heat of the moment.

Start with one pile, for example, butt plugs. Separate the butt plugs into vibrating and non- vibrating. Now do a careful inspection for any areas where there may be chips or cracks that might be a spot where bacteria could hide. If you notice any, toss the plug in the trash, it’s not worth the risk. Clean as recommended by the manufacturer, dry thoroughly and replace batteries to be sure you will be getting maximum power and zip-a-dee-doo-dah.

Move on to the next group, say…maybe the vaginal toys. If your rabbit vibrator looks more like a decrepit wilting cactus than a satisfactory dance partner for your g-spot and clit, let it go. If you have tiny little vaginal vibrators left over from those days before several ten pound babies took your passageway to the light of day, why keep them? Are you going to hand them down through the family like precious heirlooms? I can guarantee that while you may have sentimental attachment, your heirs will have their own stash and won’t really be so desirous of yours.